~ Part Eight ~
With the taxes paid, and the tax burden reduced, it seemed that my
dream of women's land in the country had finally come true. It had taken
a lot of hard work to make it happen, but it wasn't time rest and congratulate
myself. This was just the beginning. The hardest work was in front of
me. Now I had to care for my dream, to tend it faithfully, to see to
it that it grew and prospered.
The land I had bought was rocky and wild, unfit for cultivation and
practically impossible to fence. But I began gardens, certain that the
devas (and the compost pile) would reward me with fertility (or at least
some weeds). The house I had bought was small, with only a few small
rooms and a tiny kitchen. But my students willingly accepted the outdoors
as their classroom, and were good-natured about crowding together indoors
when storms chilled, rains drenched, or winds blew. Day by day, and
season by season, I worked so my dream could thrive.
My dream of creating a place where women could feel safe, could be
healed, could be reunited with their power was growing into reality.
And as it grew I was challenged to clarify the dream. The more I worked,
the more I taught, the more I talked with other women, the clearer it
became. I began to be more specific about exactly what I wanted to do,
what I wanted to offer, and what I wanted to nurture. I saw that I did
not enjoy taking care of women's problems the way I enjoyed teaching
them. I realized that I didn't want to teach health to the exclusion
of spirituality, nor did I want to do ceremony and neglect teaching
about health. I was convinced that health and spirituality were deeply
connected, and I wanted to awaken other women to that connection.
This proved to be harder than I imagined. Women who were interested
in women's spirituality -- including pagans, witches, goddess lovers,
and political dykes -- were generally uninterested in health. (At one
Goddess conference we were served donuts and coffee for breakfast!)
And those who were interested in women's health -- such as self-help
teachers, midwives, herbalists, nurses, and MDs -- were threatened by
any mention of spirituality. I knew that spirituality interpenetrated
every aspect of health and that health increased the power of the spirit.
I saw these issues as sisters who had been torn apart, and I focused
all my energies on relinking them in women's minds.
With my dream of a space for my work manifested, I now restated my
goal, reshaped my dream. My work now was to reweave the healing cloak
of the Ancients. Not only at my home teaching space, but also at the
Woodstock Women's Center (which I co-founded), and at Sojourner's, the
Hudson River Valley's only women-centered gathering space for over two
decades (which I also co-founded), I focused on weaving woman spirit
and woman health together into a sturdy cloth.
Over the years, this dream led me to some amazing and fascinating women:
Connie Panzarino, activist for the differently-abled, cooked
incredible meals although unable to lift a finger.
Zsusanna Budapest, hereditary witch, initiated me during her
whirlwind tour of the United States and found herself woven into my
web.
Vicki Noble (Motherpeace Tarot), initially in my life as the
mother of my daughter's best friend, became my friend as we danced
in synchrony across a continent crafting women's tarot decks and reclaiming
our Goddess heritage.
Merlin Stone (When God Was a Woman), herstorian/historian
and seer, sparked the presence of the most ancient Goddesses at the
Wise Woman Center, setting in place a reverberation that allowed me
to bring our Goddess loving past into the present.
Brooke Medicine Eagle (White Buffalo Calf Woman Comes Singing),
sister of earth wisdom, turned me toward the Moon Lodge and blessed
the land with her songs, stories and presence.
Dhayni Ywahoo, straddler of two worlds -- Buddhist and Native
American -- touched us with her grace and reaffirmed that women are
the Earth and that we are nourished physically and spirituality when
we identify with Her and see every woman as a living representation
of Her.
Amy Sophia Marashinsky (The Goddess Oracle) taught us to drum
from our wombs, connecting health and spirit with rhythm and vibration.
Rachel Pollack (Shining Woman Tarot), Mary Greer (Women
of the Golden Dawn) and Carol Hertzer (AstroTarot) helped us
reclaim our symbolism and the ancient healing language of the Goddess.
But all these women were to be in my future. Their bright promise,
though I neither saw nor felt it at the time, nonetheless sustained
me through the darkest days of my life. Barely two years from the time
I bought the land, I found myself on a personal healing journey which
culminated in yet more loss. Begun in the pain that love sometimes generates,
my healing journey caused me to change my life in ways that hindsight
sees were for the best, but that seemed beyond endurance when they occurred.
Healing journeys can lead to wholeness; mine did. And my wholeness
demanded that I claim my life as my own, to be lived by me and named
by me and done by me. Although I had left my husband, although I claimed
that I had left behind the role of wife, nonetheless, like so many women,
I had allowed myself to live for and through those that I loved. Being
with women didn't change my patterns, it just changed who I acted them
out with.
Now I chose to change. And my land partners, who were my lovers, my
sisters, my soulmates, my friends, the women I called my family, left
me and slandered me and tried to ruin me and did their best to shatter
all the dreams we had dreamed together. This time of betrayal unwinds
across the face of my story for four years. More than once I was tempted
to throw away my power and give in to despair.
But the Goddess wrapped her arms around me and kept my feet steady
on Her way. She rocked me to sleep through endless nights of tears,
and woke me to rainbows when I thought never to smile again. Always
Her green blessings comforted me, always her guidance led me on. I thought
my dreams were dashed, were mirrors broken into a millions pieces, never
to be mended. How wrong I was. For the heart cannot be broken. And the
pain I felt was really the pain of opening to the abundance of the chaotic
Universe.
PART NINE
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copyright: susun weed
September 27, 2012